Monday, December 13, 2004

will you?

I've been doing considerable thinking about the God stuff lately. To be entirely honest, things haven't been as close as they ought since somewhere in college. I dispise religion, motions, and empty rituals. I dispise seeking knowledge just to have it... it must be implemented. I crave fellowship that's real. Desperately I fall down, laying aside my wants - only to realize that God has placed me in the season of solitude for His own ways. Though it is not my desire, it is where I am. No effort will alter this state, for it is alone God's to handle. Friendships may arise, but they are none of depth, and I am unable to make it such. Looking for something real, something of worth, something profound, I realize... the God I neglect because He hasn't provided me with what my soul CRIES out for... the friendships that cut to the heart of it all... that endure all.. that know sweet communion unlike all else - these friendships that I have experienced and know still exist, even if unreachable at this time - they were idols to me. In place of turning to God, I've allowed my vision to be clouded with temporal satisfactions. Overlooking God for no real reason (busyness cannot count as I will always make time to help or enjoy friends), I've become one without zeal in this area of my life. Finding these things disappointing... I search again for the real meaning of love. It isn't in getting my way, nor in the way others make me feel. It isn't anything I can do or have - it is all in Him. The God of wrath has no tolerance for sin - it is such a foul odor to Him that He will not have it in His presence. Yet, His love so unabashedly given freely, surpasses the countless ways in which I've offered little more than offense. Christ, in His ultimate love, risked it all. He stood in my place, endured my shame, and received my punishment. In His yearning to be with me, Christ overlooks all my filthy rags. I will not be pacified with entertainment when the one thing I want is to rest in His presence. Why I've made such a choice is beyond me to understand. Neglecting what I really hunger for, to fill up instead on that which will never fully satisfy - it is no better than eating a deep fried candybar when when I really need is nutrition. Though fun, and yummy... it will only leave me malnourished and unable to function after that sugar high.

Will I stay in this distant land, predominantly distracted with anything that flashes before my eyes... unable to hear Him speak over the clamour of my soul for attention. Will I be real enough to admit the idols that take the place that is not theirs to own - because I put them there? Will I stand unhindered, vulnerable, and exposed for what I've become? Will I let go of all that holds me back - my fears of how others see me, the temporal good things that are short of the best, the compulsive ways I have to find self worth.... to just be what I am beneath all the tainted ways? Will I allow the pride of my high knowledge, or the pride of thinking so much less of myself than God sees me - will I really let this pride drop. Though these things all make me feel comfortable, protected, and covered... they are transparent to all that matters most.

I become more desperate for what matters, determined to step into all that I am to become. It is not of my efforts that the goal will be accomplished, but that I surrender all. To gain Christ, I must let go of so much... linger in His presence, and rest in hope that He will show me when to take action and when to watch.

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