Thursday, December 02, 2004

some days

Days go by and life passes quickly. One day feels so long, draining, and better spent sleeping away in a cool dark room burried under layers of blankets... then others seem best spent playing in the ocean or some refreshing stream trickling through the mountains. I've been noticing lately how inwardly focused my life has become. If I opt for the day in hibernation - it is simply because this is the way I feel. If I opt to play outside, it is because I want to find pleasure and loose all thoughts of responsibility for a while. Then I realize - no - what I really want is to be with people that I can have quality time with. I want to get to know them, or for them to know me. I want to share knowledge, help accomplish something, and to know they are there for me just the same. My inward dilemma creeps back saying I'm stretched to thin, that maybe I can't make a difference. I've got too much to do for any one thing to be done well. I'll never catch up on sleep, housework, school work, finish my degree, or for that matter become maticulously organize. Why is it that my friends will take their cell calls when we're hanging out.... I mean... they are there to hang out with me. I become a recluse for a time long enough to regain my perspective. The lies I believed about my abilites don't matter. Maybe those things will never be where I want them. The friends are seperating for various reasons... but sometimes they are actually not ignoring me but dealing with something that will soon involve me.

It isn't about me! This life is not meant to be spent on my own wanderings. Even when it seems these days don't result in much.... I know beyond all that God put me into every circumstance for a reason. I know I can get myself into my fair share of disaster... but on the other hand... I'm never in a situation that is too great for me. I know that I am in the places/times/situations that I enjoy but becomed drained not for my own benefit.... I am there for a bigger purpose. I know that there is a plan, that there is a reason. I may never know what it is.... but you may... or the kid that needs that encouragement they may never find elsewhere. My vantage point could be swallowed up in my own distractions... or if I open my eyes wide and listen to the quiet whisper... I see God at work. It may be so subtle that I could miss it some days.... and other days nothing can contain it. In all things, and in all ways... God is there. Hard to believe at times... but rather than being so self absorbed in my ways, wishes, wants... I surrender my all to Him and focus Him - not learning about God by reading the Bible or learning the latest greatest praise song... not talking to everyone else about it all... not wishing people were talking to or concerned with me... not even giving thought to myself... I lay it all aside to just listen, wait, and rest in Him. The sunrise declares His beauty, the cool night air reminds me of how desperately I need His provision, and the presence can only be known if we lay aside all else and just listen.

Current Music:
Artist: Day Of Fire
Album: Day Of Fire
Song: Cornerstone

All of the ground is sinking sand
A doubting maze of desert land
Where darkness rules the heart of man
Til’ the sun shines light on him

Lord of all,
Show you’re strong
All my needs they fall

Be a cornerstone
Be a cornerstone
Be a rock, higher than I
Be my fortress wall
Be a foundation for all,
My cornerstone

The building’s swaying in the wind
The towers crumble down again
This certainly will be the end
Of them not built on him

Lord of all
Show your strong
All my needs they fall


You are the builder of my heart
Held me together from the start



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