Friday, January 21, 2005

Inner struggles and in desperate need of more

After a long and crazy week, I've got a bit of time to settle down this weary mind and think about what really matters for more than a few seconds. I'm battling my way through a cold, and stretching myself as thin as God allows.

I've come to the reality that once again, I am desperately in need of help. On my own, I want to do what is good and right, yet left to my own devices, my haughty pride will stand in the way of anything productive. Though I aim to do right, I neglect the One that all this is for. I must steal away to enjoy His presence more than I naturally desire. Struggling between what I mentally know I ought to do and deciphering human intellect imposing religion is not easy. I adimantly oppose religion for religion's sake. My God is is after more than lip service and habits... He is after unrestrained love. Yet somewhere within me, I still avoid this. I look to carry out His will and serve Him in any possible way that I can, yet I overlook spending time just enjoying His presence. The inner battle rages on.... I want to do what is right... but by who's definition? I certainly don't look for my acceptance in humans, as they will let me down. I want so much to do what God wills and recognize it when I see it, but yet my time with Him is nothing near as profound as it once was.

Romans 7:15-25What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. 16So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

17But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! 18I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. 19I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. 20My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. 22I truly delight in God's commands, 23but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.


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