Sunday, January 09, 2005

Weariness fades

In the long week behind, and another one ahead, I've managed to pull away from school, from coaching, from grading, and from all the extra stuff I do to process for a while. I went to Denny's with Emily and Meg for a long chat over breakfast for supper. Looking around, I saw quite a few high school kids doing the same thing I had.... what seemed so long ago and only yesterday. I miss the days of feeling so free to give all I've got without much responsibility. Thinking through all the things I do now, I wonder how weary I've become... but as my mind lingers on this for any length of time, I soon realize that I am now giving all I've got because I want to. I want to make an impact, to be available, to change something, and to shape those around me for the better. Granted, I do miss out on socializing with my peers more than I'd prefer. Tonight was refreshing... to just stop and think about life, the world, and all that goes on. Reflecting on what I've been through, where I'm going, and what is currently happening makes the world of difference.

I concluded a few things tonight. You must truly love life and be willing to step out without inhibitions. This is not an easy task, as doing so requires finding something to make this bearable. Many will claim to be more themselves when they are high, drunk, or blinded by "love". Others are content to ascribe to whatever appearance style they prefer and keep it rather surface level - preps, punks, goths, jocks, you name it... they've got a front to wear for it. They are all right in one sense... in order to be okay being yourself, and not hating yourself for all the stupid things you may have done/said/thought/or whatever else... for all that.... you need to turn elsewhere first. In order to feel comfortable living without inhibitions, we must know that what we do is not going to cause social outcast, but rather bring more acceptance. We must know that whatever we do has no bearing on being loved... no matter what we do we can't end love, or create deeper love. Love just is. The challenge lies in this: to realize who we are, to lose ourselves, and yet find ourselves. God has created us, and knows every detail of our lives. He has made us for a purpose, though not always revealed on our timelines. No matter what we have done, will do, or didn't and won't do, God still loves us. With all the times I've allowed my anxiety, fear, and stupid moments to overwhelm my sense of reason, I'd expect Him to give up. For as often as I've messed up, I'd expect wrath to be dealt. Living through all that I have, I have wondered where He is in those moments. Yet somewhere beneath it all, my soul cries out in desperation to know and be known. Knowing is not merely head knowledge, knowing means to be acquainted in the closest possible way. God of the universe, in whom my very being relies, is the only thing that will strip away all that disguises me. It is time to become very real about this life.

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