Monday, December 15, 2008

waking up

So I've let some major parts of life stay go unchecked. My fears and ideas of (lack of) worthiness clearly stand out when I look at the shambles of my car, my home, and my time spent with friends. Sounds rather dark today... but it isn't entirely. When I pause to think about what will be changed.. there are some pretty obvious things:

  1. deal with mail
  2. process voicemail
  3. return phonecalls
  4. clean house (and pack?)
  5. get over my hangups around certain friendships
I beat myself up royally about some things. I place these insane expectations upon myself, entirely negating my need to be with Him. I invent how things must be, then procrastinate on accomplishing them as I can't even meet my own expectations. Seems a bit pointless - but the cycle goes. The need is - be with Him - trust Him entirely, completely, fully. I will not know what tomorrow holds, but I know He wants to be with me, and partner with me in all things.

I foolishly have believed that everything was dependent upon my action or lack there of. Yes - there is a degree of personal responsibility that involves doing... but again - I am loved and accepted by Him, and by friends and family - no matter what I do or don't do. Who I am - that is still loved. Eternal matters are not limited to this being about me.

My focus has been entirely too long one who I am - and the faults I see. It isn't fun to see the greatness in me, to challenge myself to risk vulnerability. I'd say it's hard, but only because I make it that way. I work it out in my mind that this isn't simple - to look at God's creation and see things as He does? Why do I resist that? Lack of trust, acceptance... and looking at the wrong thing. I must focus instead on the eternal perfect Lover of my spirit, body, and soul.

I must step out of my way - get apart and be with. I tune out all the noise of life, including my worries - and reset my gaze upon what matters.

Psalm 95:6 O come, let us worship and bow down, let us kneel before the Lord our Maker [in reverent praise and supplication].
Luke 5:16 - But He Himself withdrew [in retirement] to the wilderness (desert) and prayed

Wait in this place - listen, be with, become undone, and life up your eyes.


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