Saturday, January 07, 2006

Torn apart

Still in disillusionment on how to reach that rest, I stop to ponder what it is that truly needs to change in my life. In my heart, I place God above all else. In practice, I rely upon His strength to endure all. In planning, I seek His ways. Have I missed the mark in hearing His will clearly? Am I taking things upon myself more than I ought? I am unsure.

Though I do not feel closely connected to a core group of people, I feel as though things are sufficient. My schedule has taken me away from other areas that I would prefer to develop further: church, friends, interests, and even my family. The schedule does need to be altered.

Pressures abound through my schedule, and the additional expectations placed upon my position as graduation project supervisor can be overwhelming. Truly these duties are more than what is reasonable to place upon a teacher. The goodness of my heart is not enough to provide the proper protection and supervision of this process. It takes more than I have to offer, it is an administrative issue beyond my abilities. Yet, all relies upon me. Caught in the chaos of managing this, I seem unable to advance. I want to take it all upon myself and live up to the expectations on me, yet I want also to see this advance beyond me.

Though a new friend has become a very promising option to cultivate, my schedule holds me back from this. Once I would have added all the pieces together to make them fit my plans. This time I am so passive about this circumstance that it could be construed as disinterest. I don’t feel afraid of allowing this experience to occur. It doesn’t seem awkward. It does, however, seem to be out of my hands. I trust God has all this in His control, and the patience to allow things to occur at His pace. I do seem uncomfortable with the idea of being passive about the possible pursuit of romance. I am not intending to initiate, but I also find passivity to be inappropriate.

My long range dreams are in question. I have been passionate about assisting impoverished nations in the business world via education and technology that would cultivate a global economy and increase the living standards while glorifying God through it all. To reach that place, I want my personal education and experiences to be highly advanced, to offer the best instruction while seamlessly integrating into standards the world will recognize. These areas will allow students to transfer from there conditions to the rest of the world. Why are these in question? The training required, the experiences necessary, and the investments prepared will consume most of my life. Perhaps this is truly the area that brings the most frustrations. Thus far, it seems at times like a grand idea I’ve created, yet at other times it seems like a passion God has placed within me.

I read the word, but feel little depth to the experience. I pray and hear from God, but don’t find satisfaction. Am I distracted? Am I lacking? What can be done to remedy this? I can’t figure this out on my own. Instead, I cry out to God, make the way. If I must be humbled, it will be welcomed. If I must be patient, then I will wait. What is it Lord that must be done? What is it that must be removed? Why have I spun my wheels for the past five years? Why do I feel that what has been accomplished has gone unnoticed? Where are you taking me? Why is it that I have never had the experience within my local church to have a word spoken over my life? This restlessness is unnerving. Busied by the functions of living, I want nothing more than to let all come to a halt and everything is focused upon you.

I want the following things to change:
  • A renewed passion for prayer and depth of relationship with God, that it would not feel so monotonous and routine. Nor do I want to feel guilt for not being in the Word, or spending a set amount of time in prayer. I want to these to come naturally.
  • Clarification on the long range vision, to confirm or decline. Reveal the plans to attain these dreams.
  • Finances, business opportunities, and professional perspectives to be changed
  • To witness fellow believers genuinely interested and acknowledging that which God has placed within me in regards to education, business, and technology. This involves me showing interest in them, providing times for this to occur, and seeking it not for personal gain but to be a servant in these arenas to others.
  • Body, soul, and spirit to be both calm and active for God. Finding the place of discipline, health, and rest coexisting.
  • To allow relationships in my life to grow beyond the spinning plates I currently feel to a sense of depth and likemindedness.

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