Saturday, November 27, 2004

less and less

I've come to the conclusion once again that the only response I must have before a holy God full of love for me is to come undone. I must lay down all else that could possibly stand in the way, forget all that I know and hold dearly to, save Christ alone. Profound at times, forgotten at others... the walk I take can grow bland in my apathy. I must rid myself of apathy, complacency, and boredom. The God who longs to be with me doesn't feel this way... yet here I stay waiting around on Him to do something when in fact He daily does a multitude of things that should cause me to fall before Him in awe. I don't know why I feel distant at times, and close at others. I don't know why days can go by when I don't feel that I've spent quality time in His presence yet can recount little details of His work in my busy schedule at any moment. Am I not listening? Am I not putting forth effort? Perhaps... but what I do know is that I must drop everything and be. Just be in His presence, just listen to what He says... just know that I am loved. God isn't distant, only I become such. His grace is perfect, His love unending, His ways are always right. When I drift aimlessly - He reaches out to me. When I sleep oblivous to all else but my thoughts, He can interrupt and redirect. My response is much like the call Jesus made in Matthew 19 - to lay down all else and follow Him. He hasn't called me to sell all my stuff, but to recall that all is a gift He gives, and apart from Him I can do nothing (that is of value).

So, I've been checking out
Day of Fire lately. These guys will go far, there sound isn't new, but hasn't been overdone lately. Check around for their stuff.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

can't shake it

So I was at a show last night after practice... though I was entirely tired the whole time. I took some pics and video footage. I was struck by some of their lyrics. I've seen this band, Skillet, around for a long time. They never really made me stop and say wow before. Although their guitars are heavy, the drummer rocks, and overall their a good band. But this is about the lyrics...


Artist:
Skillet
Album: Collide
Song: Collide

We have fallen
We have fallen again tonight
Where do we go from here
When they’re tearing down our lives?
When all they want is
When all they want is
For us to live in fear
How long can we hold on?
Can we hold on?
Hold on

There’s something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive
When all you can do
Is hide from the fear
That’s deep inside of you
Something, something, something
Something, something, something
To hold me close when I don’t know
There’s something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive

We are healing
But it’s killing us inside
Can we take a chance?
When faith and fear collide
We can make it
Step out and take it
We can’t live feeling so numb
How long can we hold on?
Can we hold on?
Hold on

There’s something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive
When all you can do
Is hide from the fear
That’s deep inside of you
Something, something, something
Something, something, something
To hold me close when I don’t know
There’s something deep inside
That keeps my faith alive





Artist:
Skillet
Album: Collide
Song: Fingernails

Never reaching what I want to reach
Never being who I want to be
Blaming me when I fall and fail
All my dreams splintering
Under my fingernails
Under my fingernails

I’m empty, lonely, and accused
Accused without a word
My fingernails are chipping down
From clawing in the dirt
I’m so lost, lost and confused
I threw it all away
How can I be beautiful
When I am so afraid

Never reaching what I want to reach
Never being who I want to be
Blaming me when I fall and fail
All my dreams splintering
Under my fingernails
All my dreams out of reach
Under my fingernails

I watched it all slip through my hands
My brokenness revealed
I’m so proud, I’m so proud
I’m crying to be filled
I’m killing, destroying the plague
That’s killing me away
I’ve got to live, I’ve got to love
Like I am unafraid

Never reaching what I want to reach
Never being who I want to be
Blaming me when I fall and fail
All my dreams splintering
Under my fingernails (2x)

All my dreams out of reach
Under my fingernails

I’m wasting, wasting every moment
I want to be tasting
Tasting every moment with you
I’m suffering, I’m bleeding, on my knees
Who’s going to save me?
Suffering, bleeding
Save me from this pit of frailty

Never reaching what I want to reach
Never being who I want to be
Blaming me when I fall and fail
All my dreams splintering
Under my fingernails (2x)
All my dreams out of reach
Under my fingernails
Never reaching me



The only way is still Christ.

Friday, November 19, 2004

taken aback

So life has different twists and turns for each person. I recently met someone that has had a life full of upheavals. Life will always have obstacles that are unexpected, and a few people will have to face things that most won't. This person has opted to do what most everyone else in these rare circumstances does... turn to some alternate state of being (drugs) to escape the current circumstances. Looking for love in the short term companionship of friends has proven to be disappointing. I'm left to wonder, with all the chaos that has happened, there seems to be still some glint of hope. There is still a reason to continue on, even though at times there seems like none. How can I effectively communicate that there is more hope than can be imagined? Though this person faces more adversity than I've had to imagine, there is someone there that loves more than they know, wants to spend eternity together, and has a plan and purpose for this life. There is something to be done, and this person will never abuse, abandon, or refuse them. How can this chaotic life find this steady refuge in the storms? How can this person with so much unstable influences find the One who is the most sure thing going? How can Christ be shown clearly? How will I answer the inevitable questions about why this mess has happened to begin with? How will they know that they will never be abandoned if that's all they've seen? Pray... there is hope, there is a reason, there is a purpose, and there is love. Above all, God loves this person and wants to make that known.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Subseven Posted by Hello

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Rushing

So lately I've been running on some strange energy. I'm wide awake all day - ok, maybe a little slow until the coffee is downed... but then I'm good until I suddenly collapse around 9:30pm. Such a wimp.

I am starting to hear good news from seniors that they are actually getting their stuff done. Maybe my bugging helps some? I'd like to think that anyhow.

The high school swim team just started. They practice before the aquatic club does. This too is exciting to me. I like to go to their meets and all.

Last weekend was spent organizing the house, paying bills, seeing my sister's swim meet, and raking leaves. I saw a great show last Saturday night as well.

I've been realizing there are some people that I've been close to over the past few years that I need to start letting go. In some ways it is strange because they are finally reaching that adult responsible lifestyle - what should be similar to mine... only to realize that they are becoming more and more blind to how things really work. Distracted by infatuation perhaps, or just thinking they've got it all figured out. In the end, they don't bother to concern themselves with anyone else. It isn't easy.. but I can't do everything to stay in touch.

Random day... but that's ok.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

so close

YIPPIE... no kids till monday. I love them all... but I enjoy having inservice tomorrow - grading/planning in the afternoon, yardwork and other adventures friday, my sister's swim meet and show on saturday, and laid back sunday. so... aren't they gone yet!?!?!?!?!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Amazing how ____________!

End of another day of school. I emailed all my former students today - at least to the best of my ability... as yet another reminder that they need to get a move on life after high school. I'm not sure sometimes why I go to the lengths I do. I get pretty attached, want to see the best of life for them, and know it isn't my job to hold their hands (so to say) each step of the way. I want to see where they end up, to know what they've done with their lives. It's strange how drastically different I feel about last year's students to ones before. My first year, in the old high school... wow... what a strange/shocking/dismal year that was. I was expected to do something grand, without a plan, without a clue, and with nothing there for help. Sure, I had some people to help... but they knew just a bit more than I did on the subject. It's pretty fun to see where it's heading.

Although... it still can be a challenge to hear from kids all the time that the class is boring, doesn't really help them with anything, and that they think it will all disappear. I guess in a way I take it personally... until I remember that I once didn't have a clue, didn't bother to learn any of this stuff, and had even less information available to me to figure it out. I did, however, have very demanding parents on it...and drug my feet the whole way through it. I've become them somehow though. I'm tracking down students... getting on their cases about life after June 10 2005... figuring out how to motivate them to succeed. In the end, it isn't up to me ... I just have to inform them. I wonder though if it really helps... Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Will these kids be able to tell me that in a few years they actually used something from all this? Will the negative thoughts about a class that is supposed to be so easy they can do it without me later actually turn to grateful appreciation for a chance to do something that will help after our ways seperate? I'll wait in hope, and look for some positive signs later.


So a bunch of kids either skipped or had some forged early dismissal slip about getting out early... all to go play Halo 2. C'mon... you have an extended break coming up.

So this weekend
John Reuben is playing in Chambersburg, at the Y. Ohhhh, and Hawk Nelson ... fun lighthearted punk. See the flyer. Should be fun. Show is from 7 - 10pm and FREE!

It's kinda nice to look back on life... see the hindsight of it all... to remember all the strange things that happened that I always felt so self concious about - like the time Curt knocked on the bathroom door in my 2nd grade classroom when I was so sure he'd just open it in front of the whole room and to learn later he was just tapping on the table trying to make me paranoid or something... or the girl on the bus that wasn't the prettiest to tell me that my face resembled a garden tool.... or the way my feet move - oh I hate that... or all the times I've spilled something on myself... or how I said something totally wrong during Sunday school when I was about 9.... yeah... being human can be mortifying. Good thing I got over that mostly.... living life to enjoy the good and not be overcome by the awkward or bad times is key. Who knows, maybe one day I'll even overcome my problems with being too blunt and not tactful enough.

Monday, November 08, 2004

1 down, 2 to go

I'm thrilled to have off on Friday... sadly though, it really means I'll just sleep in until 9, get up and rake leaves... borrow dad's truck, and haul yard scraps away... I'm such an adult! Hmph!

So, practice is going pretty well. It feels awesome to teach the little kids technique work. It's hard to remember that they need to count strokes from the flags to wall, or to kick 6 times off the wall, or that even the middle-schoolers need to keep their fingers together on streamlining.

It's COLD here. We're supposed to get below freezing tonight... and I'm not sure if I'm delighted or dismayed. Snow is exciting, sloppy, and beautiful all at once. But it isn't anywhere close enough to snow for me to be happy about the weather just yet.

Trillian has a new release coming out... check the site:
Trillian Rocks

Friday, November 05, 2004

long days...

I've had a song from Teenage Politics (MxPx - Magnified Plaid) stuck in my head for a few days now... lingering and spinning about... causing me to realize that I still feel much the same as I did in high school.... Lyrics from "The Opposite of Intellect":


it seems so hard to get away
from last week and yesterday
I have to sit right here and watch it all go by
is this really happening? maybe this is just a dream
when i wake up ill be someone else

I don't want to grow up, not just yet
I don't wanna have to see your false sence of reality
I don't wanna grow up, not just yet
I don't wanna have to know how to play in your
game show

just don't ask me if you're getting thru to me
just don't tell me the way that you want me to be
you say ill fit nicely in society
you only took a superficial look at me

why can't i say i'm sick of you?
is it wrong to say what's true?
I'm skeptical about your point of view
teaching us not to reflect, the opposite of intellect
don't resist authority and you'll be fine
you don't want me to speak my mind.


I once adored this band. They conveyed my sentiments about dealing with life... and still sometimes do. I don't want to grow up, I don't want to be an adult, and I don't want to be responsible always either. Yet reality is there knocking on the door saying I have to, I need to for others... and for some reason, it is my purpose to be the adult I am. I'd love to go back to my days of college, when I had no Friday classes, no job, and no worries. I'd love to stay another day at just one of the many punk rawk shows....

Yet... here I am... being all tired because I'm up past 9pm on a weekend... go figure. I've had a long week of grading papers, getting kids to submit all their overdue work, and meeting all new students and swimmers. I've had my fill and want to hibernate for a while... but gaurenteed by Sunday I'll be awaiting the new moments of next week. It's not an easy place to be... stuck somewhere between carefree youth (or so hindsight seems) and being expected to be a mature responsible adult. I don't think I'll ever take it all that seriously. Yeah... I'll fulfill my obligations to society as an adult... but I'll still see my social life revolving around music, being loud with friends all night (or at least as I can stay awake), and in general having a fun time.

Time to go find the peace of God that passes all understanding, to rest in His presence until all the noise and clatter of life subsides for more than just a moment, and to listen to what He has to say. Dreams of the new heaven and new earth...